Road Quest
by Feanfyr
Summary: Tony just can't decide who he wnts to kill more- Clint for telling Thor about the Oregon Trail, Bruce for suggesting a "Road Quest" on foot, Natasha for not stopping the idea, Steve for asking permission, Fury for giving permission, Thor for managing to drag his brother or Loki for being dragged. Probably Clint- it's all his fault...and he wasn't sure how to kill norse god.
1. Day 0

**Road Quest;**

**Day - 0**

**Quote:**

_**"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."**_

* * *

_"Since my team is full of absolute jerkasses and this is the only way I'll be able to bring Jarvis along-"_

**_"You cannot comprehend how honored I am that you would take on such an immense task simply for my sake, Sir."_**

_"-Shut up J- I am in charge of recording everything that happens on the 'Road Quest' everyone has decided we go on."_

**_"I believe Master Odinson called it a Midgardian Adventure."_**

_"Same shit, different pile- get with the times J."_

**_"Actually, Sir-"_**

_"J, shut up- you're making forget why I wanted to bring you."_

**_"Because I am the only one capable of withstanding your presence for extended periods of time?"_**

_"You know what- _Mute_. Anyways, the fucking quest- from what I can gather it all started with Clint_ fucking_ Barton- he didn't even wait for me to show it!..."_

* * *

"So...?" Clint looked at the god of thunder whom had been shown _The Fellowship of the Ring_. "What do you think?"

"A fine tale, if not an incomplete one!" Thor boomed. "Surely this is not the end of their quest?"

The archer grinned, "Nah, there are two more movies."

Thor nodded thoughtfully as another idea came to him, "Are such quests common on Midgard? Where a group of companions decide to journey across immense distances?"

"I don't know?" Clint shrugged. "I know there's a lot of spiritual shit in the 'finding yourself' type of journeys but those are usually done solo...Oh, there's the Oregon Trail- that's right here in America."

The Norse god seemed to practically have a sun beaming from his grin, "The American States of Midgard has it's own quest road?"

"Yeah, sure." Clint shrugged again. "Ask Bruce about it- seems like the kind of thing he'd know more about."

* * *

_"And that, my demented and screwed up audience, is how it all started. It might have ended if not for Bruce- who, for his treachery against the Science Bro Code, has been downgraded to estranged science sibling- and his off hand quote..."_

* * *

"The Oregon Trail was generally taken in a similar spirit to how the people whom journeyed to colonize America, to seek out a better life for them- whether that be from fortune, land or freedom." Bruce said. "Now a days there aren't that many journeys of the like, unless done in a spiritual 'finding yourself' way- after all, travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."

Thor perked up, "Truly? This is splendid news, my friend- I must go seek council immediately!"

* * *

_"So, yeah, it's Brucey's fault. He's also the one whom added that we could travel __by foot. Now I have to go- I need to pack a fucking backpack of 'essentials' then have it checked by Spangles to make certain it is things that are actually necessary. I fucking hate the people in my life."_

* * *

**_A superhero road trip- with Loki! Woo! _****_I don't even know..._**

**_Sort of video-diary format because I thought Tony would be fun to have as a commenter._**

**_There aren't really any plans for pairings at the moment but, as a warning, I love Frostiron and Blackhawk._**


	2. Day 1

**Road Quest;**

**Day - 1**

**Quote:**

_**"It's bad enough I have to be trapped in a car with you children. You'll do your best not to act like children." **_

* * *

_"So, first day was kicked off to a _wondrous_ start."_

_**"Indeed, Sir. You covered nearly 55 miles today."**_

_"Shut the hell up, Jarvis. No one asked you!"_

**"Can you keep it down?"**

_**"I shall endeavor to keep to an appropriate volume Mr. Banner."**_

**"Don't stay up too late, Tony- you'll need all your energy for tomorrow."**

_"Jarvis, will you tell the man whom is sharing my room that I am not talking to him?"_

_**"Sir has informed me that he is not talking to you, Mr. Banner."**_

**"I said I was sorry."**

_"Hmph. Whatever. We started, after getting Rudolph, on 8th Ave going to Hudson St then Christopher St..."_

* * *

"I hate you all." Tony announced decisively, adjusting his backpack- a red and gold hiker's pack that Pepper had picked out, it even had an _Iron Man_ sticker slapped on it- for the seventh time. "Why couldn't we just go camping- I have _cabins_ for these kinds of things."

Beside him Bruce, his own pack of blue and purple with a _Hulk_ sticker, said, "Cabins don't count as camping Tony."

"Indeed they do not, Man of Iron!" Thor boomed- _his_ pack red and silver with Mjolnir hanging from it like a key chain- as he dragged his sulking brother along- Loki's pack green and black with silver snake on it- behind the two. "A cabin is for relaxing and vacation while camping is for travel and adventure!"

"Yeah, Stark," Clint, pack black and purple with a cartoon hawk glaring at them, called from where he walked in front of them with Natasha- he pack black with a simple red hourglass shape- next to him. "Camping is for _travel_ and _adventure_, right Captain."

Steve, at the very front of the group armed with a disturbing patriotic pack and a _paper map_ of all things, nodded absently. Tony scoffed, "Well _you _can have fun spending the night outside on the ground- _I'll_ be renting a hotel room for the night." A pause where Natasha simply looked back and _stared_ before he added, "Widow will be allowed a room also, if she wants."

"_Thank you_, Stark."

* * *

_"Her reply definitely did _not_ send chills down my spine. Not at all."_

**"Maybe a little. Maybe a _lot. _He'd never admit to it."**

_"Goddammit- wasn't he going to sleep!?"_

**_"Evidently not, Sir."_**

_"Whatever. So, yeah, _walking_- Not that interesting. I was forced to resort to teaching stereotypical car-trip games to an assassin who should never be allowed to play I Spy..."_

* * *

"I spy something blue." Clint announced.

"Can anyone besides you actually see it?" Bruce asked, as this would be the third turn in a row that Clint had taken.

Clint looked shifty for a moment and Tony clapped his hands, "Right, new rule- Clint isn't allowed to play I Spy."

* * *

_"...an assassin with observational skills that makes you believe she can read your mind..."_

* * *

"Is it a beast in which you must conquer for the sake of your honor?" Thor asked.

Steve gapped, "What? No!"

"Is it a dog?" Natasha asked in a tone that made it seem like she already knew the answer.

"Yes." Steve answered even as Tony muttered, "And Natasha isn't allowed to play Twenty Questions."

* * *

_"...an alien whom has a built in lie-detector..."_

* * *

"I never had sex with Nat, Coulson once tied me to a chair to watch a marathon of Barney and Fury once let me drive his car." Clint decided.

Loki spoke up, though his voice was entirely disinterested, "The first is the lie, the other two are truths."

"You guys had sex!" Tony gawked.

Thor shared a glance with Steve before asking, "What is this 'Barney' you speak of?"

"It's a child's show..." Bruce explained.

Tony, however, was still caught up in the lie, "_You_ and _Natasha_!?"

"Budapest was a weird time!" Clint said defensively.

* * *

_"...a patriotic boy scout whom doesn't know his own strength..."_

* * *

"Slug bug green!" Steve called before proceeding to punch the closest person to him. "No bug ba-"

Tony, the unfortunate closest person, grabbed his shoulder, "_OW_!"

"Tony? I'm sorry- I didn't think I hit that hard." Steve said, moving to hover worriedly.

* * *

_"...an alien whom doesn't understand humans' perceptions of what is fortunate and unfortunate..."_

* * *

"Unfortunately I have lost my shoe." Bruce shrugged at the looks he got.

"Fortunately there was a wolf near by." Thor added.

Clint turned to look at the god, "How is that fortunate?"

"Because I may subdue the beast into becoming a stead." Thor answered as if it was obvious.

* * *

_"...and a jolly green giant whom cares an awful lot about accurate hiding places."_

* * *

"And why _can't_ my hiding place be the silverware drawer?" Clint demanded.

"Because," Bruce said, starting to get frustrated from the argument that had been going in circles for the last twenty minutes. "You cannot fit in the drawer."

"But I'm not actually trying to," Clint said, obtaining the same frustration. "That's why it's _Hypothetical_ Hide and Seek."

* * *

_"_Yeah_, not fun. So I declare day one a bust."_

**_"How can it be 'a bust' if you made excellent time, Sir?"_**

_"Don't get cute with me, J."_

**_"I would not dream of it."_**

**"Tony, sleep."**

_"Sleep is for losers."_

**"_Tony_."**

_"Yeah, yeah. That's a wrap, J. Shut it down."_

**_"As you wish, Sir."_**

* * *

_**Because it would be ridiculously difficult to find a game they could **_**all_ play._**

**_And I don't believe Tony would think that showing them walking in their entirety entertaining enough to make on tape._**


End file.
